DAY OF THE SWALLOWS, 1924

              I sit on my clean floor and count with little Joo.  The child is almost too clever.  I say one and two make three.  He sees the pear and the apples in my hands and says, “Pear plus apples make fruit.”  No, perform the sum.  He frowns to have to do it my way.  “Three fruits equals happiness, Mama,” he says.  Outside our window they are building a tower.  From here on the floor I see little men working on scaffolding way up in the sky.  It is another day in America.  Back home, it is the third day of the third moon, the day of the swallows’ return.  The day precisely one year ago my mother wept to see my younger sisters fighting among themselves over the few possessions I would leave behind and the private room I shared with little Joo.

Pieces of my memory of one year ago today, add up to nothing whole:   Ship plus woman equals horizon.  Yellow plus mountain equals sky.  Salt plus hunger make wind.  These sums are not the mysteries they seem.  Here’s a mystery for you:  each year, a bird no bigger than a man’s heart knows how to return home from across the ocean.  Perhaps some of them return to the very nests of the year before, wedged between twigs in the treetops, the bits of straw and earth still crusty with snow and faintly scented with the puke and down and shit of the last crop of babies.  Here is an even greater mystery:  that my sensible head should have become cluttered with dreams.  

***

              What tremendous faith you place in the future, old Mun-ji had smiled with her crooked mouth.  Get sick and die is what I ought to have said to her.  Since I would be sailing across the ocean to join my husband soon, why not utter the very thing we all longed to say to her, troublemaking sorceress that she was?  She would have cursed me, and although I never believed in her silly proclamations she would have cursed my family, as well.  Best not to set the table for trouble, which finds its own way soon enough.  Still, it was breathtaking faith to promise myself to a picture of a man who came to me, married me, gave me a child, and promptly left us again with the promise he would send for us as soon as he could.  He wrote to us, sent money.  But we had already forgotten his face.

***

              I thought the sky should have been coursing with swallows on the day of our departure.   We spent most of the passage on the little deck outside of steerage where I wasn’t supposed to be but which was the only place I didn’t feel sick.  Joo and I shared a windowless space with three other women, one of whom had barley breath and didn’t wash her armpits carefully enough.  The other two had the best pallets only because they had gotten there first.  I could swear the last was a prostitute, sent for by her “Dod-dy” as she kept referring to him.  Not that we weren’t all being sent into the keeping of men we barely knew or had never even met.  In that close cabin, steeped in the smell of anxiety, I thought I would go mad with sickness and restlessness. 

On the steerage deck, the salt spray coated my face and throat and hair.  Thank goodness my cabin-mates were too sick or depressed to disturb us here.  I had worn the light brown muslin Auntie had sent to me, but I stood hatless and gloveless so I could breathe.  Joo wrapped his arms around my waist, his face burrowed into the folds of my skirt.  Although I had been sick earlier, I leaned into the forward movement, into the wind and sky, urging the ship onward, utterly filled with, if blind to, my future.  I licked the spray from my lips like tears.

***

              I’ve been dreaming I am still my mother’s only child.  She bathes me, perhaps for the last time in the wooden baby tub.  She will wash my scalp, as well.  To calm me down, she loosens my braids by massaging her fingers up and down my scalp and behind my ears. 

As a young girl I had a recurring dream of seeing my mother’s body in the big wooden tub, her skin pale against the water-stained sides.  I approach the tub always with the thought, Here is my mother.  She never rests, but here she is in repose.  Then, upon closer inspection, I discover that of course she is not resting at all.  That’s not rest.

***

              No one promises actual swallows on the day.  Some years, snow still clings in patches, or the birds descend but nest further inland.  The weather you can always count on, however.  In all the years of my life the day has featured a brisk and airy blue with a breeze that gallops down from the snowy peaks and sunshine, sunshine that makes your heart whoop and sing.

              In preparation, we do the year’s second cleaning.  You take everything out—mats, lamps, grain sacks, babies, sandals, linens, and crockery into the courtyard.  The older girls go in and wash everything down, sweep and pack the floor.  The younger girls tend to the chickens and babies.  Then we cook.  Then we walk in the fields and eat flower-shaped cakes.  Then we feast.  Then we walk some more.  If you make a sauce, it tastes better than ever on this day.  If you plant a seed, it will grow strong and tall.  If you take medicine, you are supposed to live a long life free of illness.

***

              Joo and I were quarantined for four days, although they allowed Taesin in to see us.  He waited with Joo while they performed my physical exam.  Two male doctors, one old and one young.  They lacked a Korean translator that day and only after much miscommunication did they realize that a Chinese translator would not do.  After that, they didn’t even try to explain procedures or why I had to urinate into a cup.  Then a nurse tried to tug on my underpants.  “Crabs,” she explained, raising her fingers like little pincers.  I shook my head no.  “She has to check,” someone must have said.  When the nurse saw my soiled rags, she disposed of them and presented me with a box of new ones.

***

              It is true that my husband is both hard-working and good-hearted, as his Auntie had led me to believe.  In my short time with him back home, I found these statements to be true.  But you’d better believe I did not recognize him when he came for us at the port.  Three years later, and he looked like somebody’s grandfather, already stooped in the spine and graying fast.  In my heart, I cannot blame him, this man who honored his commitment to me through letters over ten long years before we had even met, and three more after our marriage.  He is not unhandsome even now, but he looks a bit used up for the age of thirty-four.  I ask you, is that what this country does to a man?

              In the night, when my husband turns and places his hand on my stomach, I am ready for him.  He thinks it is his idea, but I believe that I can will him to place it there.  I can will him to place his hand on me, but I cannot will his tenderness; that is his own.  In this respect, I have been fortunate. 

***

Be a bird!  Be a bird!  My father would shout to us as we ran around the courtyard, our arms flung wide, our hair flying, chickens pecking at our toes.  He took great delight in us.  We thought him strange and fascinating, this tall non-farmer with tidy hands who worked all day shuffling papers for the Japanese and was hardly ever allowed to come home.  That’s why he died so far away, a man the age my husband is now, who spared us our way of life by leaving it.  The missionaries gave him a Christian burial, which was all right with my mother because the missionaries had taught to us to read.  My teacher’s name was Penelope Starling, a name I could never pronounce correctly.  Penelope told me books were like birds because through them your mind could soar.

***

Some days Joo and I head down Geary Boulevard toward the American produce and sundries stand instead of down Winnette to Chin’s Grocery.  There is so much to look at there, including a variety of packaged cakes and cereals, boxed antiseptic bandages for small wounds, and a number of products for styling hair.  American women hold their heads up very high and rather forward, as though they are rushing to get to the next place.  One yellow-haired woman in good shoes shops every morning at 10 a.m.  I have observed her because we are invisible to her.  Her little boy, a round eye with yellow hair, walks up to Joo every day and pulls at the corner of his eyes, saying, “Chinky Chinky Chinaman, riding on a rail, along came a cowboy and cut off his tail.”  Joo is terrified at the thought of growing a tail.  Later, I asked Mrs. Ilah Flack, our sponsor, to teach me the English for “You look better that way.”  The boy’s mother seems exasperated with her son’s behavior, but she never tries to do anything about it.  This morning, when the yellow-haired boy pulled at the corners of his eyes, I told him, “You look better that way.”  It made him cry, but only because he was shocked that I could speak.  His mother seemed equally astounded. The shopkeeper, a gentle-souled hajukin merely, shrugged his shoulders at this encounter.  The wonman rushed her child away from us.  Great, now I am a crazy woman.

***

Once upon a time there was a king who had six daughters.  When his wife was heavy with his seventh child, naturally he expected a son.  Disappointed yet again, he sent the infant away with a servant instructed to leave her to die in the elements.  The princess-child was found by an old couple who raised her as a healer.  One day, they brought her a bowl filled with clear water.  Look upon your father, child, they told her.  She saw a very sick man.  She returned to the valley where her father lay close to death, sent everyone away from his bedside, and nursed him from her bag of herbs.  In the morning, her father was restored to health.  All the kingdom rejoiced, and the father begged forgiveness of his seventh daughter, whom he welcomed back with open arms.

I had always loved that story of the seventh daughter whose absence filled the household. My older cousins liked to act it out as a game.  Pick me, I always insisted, in love with the idea of the princess’s magical childhood.  Banish me.

***

Mrs. Ilah Flack says that the wives of missionaries and immigrants have something in common—we are both strong women.  Don’t speak to me of strong women.  Where my mother comes from there is a whole island of them, women with powerful limbs and voluminous lungs, who dive for their food in the ocean and can hold their breath for an unheard of duration.  My grandmother was one of the cheju haenyo of Chejudo, the Island of Wind, Rocks, and Women.  She spoke a traditional dialect difficult to understand.  Although she had sight, her eyes looked like those of a blind woman’s, dark and deep, focusing on everything and nothing.  My grandmother’s eyes turned cloudy in her old age, seeing more than she could say.  Mother said that’s what comes from dwelling in the depths, holding your breath to bursting time and again.

Mrs. Ilah Flack tells my husband rather wistfully that when she was a girl she dreamed of sailing to France.  To France?  When I was a girl, I dreamed of sailing to the Island of Turtles and Children and the Island of Girls with their Faces to the Moon.   There isn’t any Island of Turtles and Children my mother would say, so I never told her about any of the other islands—the Island of Scheming Sisters and Other Fools.  Island of Lepers and Japanese Whores.   Islands of Mudangs and Other Pests.  Island of Banished Princesses.

***

              Swallows return.  There’s not a year when they haven’t.  Your faith in them, or lack of it, makes not the slightest different to them.  They make it a point to get home.   Only maybe what’s home to me is away for them.  Or wherever they alight is home.  Or all places are away and no place is home.

***

It is almost too much.  Three days ago, we all became aware of a smell in the apartment that turned from unpleasant to offensive to unspeakable.  Neither Tae Sin nor I could locate the source.  Perhaps a rat had expired behind the stove.  Or something had happened next door.  When we passed in the hallway, neighbors began to look at one another with questioning, troubled glances.  Who was responsible?  None of us contacted the landlord. 

Three days ago, Joo had found a stunned bird on the sidewalk.  Its wing hung limp, turned like an inside-out umbrella.  One eye had been crushed or eaten; the other stared ahead blinking and resigned.  I scooped it up with a paper bag and threw it in a crate of refuse in the alley.  At this, Joo let out a gasping cry I’d never heard from him.  Still, I ordered him to leave it alone.  Later, somehow, he must have retrieved the bird, his first act of outright disobedience.  It was only when I was in tears at the mysterious stench that Joo led me to his little bureau.  In the top drawer was the bird, wrapped in Joo’s own paisley handkerchief with a wad of cotton to rest its head.  After that, little Joo wanted to be held all day.  He couldn’t wrap his chubby legs around my waist tightly enough.  It’s because my waist is disappearing; I am expecting again.

***

              Hunger is good.  I feel hungry today.  That’s excellent news, Mrs. Ilah Flack will say if today is a day she will drop in on me.  If I can, I make my way from one physical sensation to another.  For instance, I lie here awake knowing that in about an hour little Joo will be up.  Beside me, my husband’s sleep is as steady as a train chugging through the countryside.  In precisely forty-five minutes, before the sun has come up, he will jump into the back of a pickup with his friend Murillo and six other men and be driven through the flattest, driest, most disappointing landscape you can imagine to a field where he will pick the strawberries, green beans, heads of lettuce, and squash which we ourselves can rarely afford to buy.

              I remember lying awake in our room at the back of my mother’s inn, just before the baby started awake with little bleating cries of hunger.  The anticipation of Joo’s down-scented scalp, the baby-doughy scent of his pudgy limbs already tickled in my nostrils like citrus and set my heart to a faster beat.  My nipples prickled awake and my breasts started to fill.  I’d leak a little just lifting him to my breast and as his mouth opened and my milk let down, I was grateful for the sealed-off world of our making, for the physical trivialities of our day linking one moment to the next.   The door to our world is so much wider, now.  I hand-over-fist my way through the sometimes busy, sometimes too-quiet hours.

***

              Swallows return, always, always.  But when you think about it, men almost never do.  Centuries ago, a Dutch sailor took his ship around the Cape of _____ and into the heart of a storm.  The ship capsized, but Captain Hendrik Hamel, his crew of fourteen survivors, and a hound were found stunned and gasping with thirst upon waking on the beaches of Chejudo.  All were fed, examined, restored to health, and then imprisoned, excepting the hound, for the sailors had entered the land of the Hermit King and unwittingly sealed their fate:  the King did not suffer the departure of strangers.

Today, as they do every year, swallows alight in Pusan, in Pyongyang, in Seoul, on Chejudo.  Today I became an exile.  The Immigration Act has sealed the borders indefinitely to everyone on the globe.  Those who are in the U.S. cannot get back with any reasonable expectation of re-entry.  If you left a wife behind, too bad.  If you had hopes your family might join you, think again.  It is over for you, over for them, those days.   I think of Captain Hamel, living out his days in a place he had never intended to stay.  Of how he made do with the life he had found there, among people who took a long time to figure out how to accept him.  What must he have thought as he floated on a broken piece of a ship’s siding to the shore of his new country, birds swooping and flitting overhead, skimming the surf, alighting on his head or shoulder, his hair and clothing stiff with the salt of the sea?