Omar G. Vondruke

              I am a shame.  I am afraid.

              I am Omar G. Vondruke.  I am a black man.

              I have done something terrible.  I have done something terrible.  I have a boring life and I have done something terrible.  I am a terrible person.

              The first time I have done something that was not boring and it was the most terrible thing I could ever do.

              I am writing this so that I will not be forgotten.  I have not written anything except my name, telephone number, address, and order specifications in almost five years.  I have been afraid that someone will see what I write and exploit me.  I am afraid of a lot of things.  I never used to be.  But I am now and I am a terrible person.

              I want to learn all the new words that rappers and celebrities use.  I am afraid that I will someday lose my voice.  I am afraid that I will lose my voice so I speak all the words I know into mason jars so that I can save my words in case I lose them and open them and people will hear what I have to say.  My favorite word is SAFFRON.  I have SAFFRON in a mason jar.  I know it is a spice from India that is very expensive.  I have never tasted saffron but I still love it.  I have never been to India.  I have never left Ohio.  I have never left Cleveland.  I am afraid to leave my apartment unless I have to go to work or buy cigarettes or groceries.  I like tuna fish sandwiches.  I eat five tuna fish sandwiches a day.  I smoke one pack of cigarettes a day.

              I am not a smart man.  I dropped out of Aviation High School when I was seventeen because I did not want to work on airplanes.  My father wanted me to work on airplanes because he said that was where all the money was.  He worked for Blue-Line Bus Company Plant Number Two for fifty years.  They made him retire and then he died the next day.  He was run over by a bus.  I miss my father.  My father was a good person.  I also work at the Blue-Line Bus Company Building Plant Number Two in Cleveland, Ohio.  I have BLUE-LINE BUS COMPANY PLANT NUMBER TWO in a mason jar in my collection of words that I want to use when I lose my voice.  I run a machine that bores holes in the manifold so the pistons can run better.  I have worked at every station in the factory.  I can build a bus all by myself.  I have worked at this factory since I was seventeen.  I have been a janitor.  I have been a copy boy.  I drive a fork-lift.  I am a machinist now.  I am not a smart man but I work hard.  I try to work harder but sometimes I can’t.  I live two miles away.  I ride on the busses that I build to get to work everyday.  I live above Al’s Deli where I grew up and where my father grew up.  I have no water in my apartment so I take showers at work so that I do not smell like a skunk.

              One mile from where I live is the Cleveland Museum of Art.  I have never been there.  I am afraid of public places, afraid of germs, afraid of the chemicals used in art, afraid that I might be forced to cut off my ears.

              I am a terrible person.

              I do not care that someone might read this and know that I am a terrible person.  Because I am a terrible person. 

              I used to read a lot.  But only owner’s manuals, Do It Yourself Books and machinists’ magazines.  I have lots of mason jars in my collections with mechanical words in them.  I have MACHINE and JOB and BORE and METAL and MANIFOLD and DRILL and INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE in my collection.  Just in case the world ended tomorrow I would be able to build and repair buses, build a house and construct a bomb shelter.  I don’t read anymore.  I am only writing this so that I am not forgotten.

              I used to leave the TV on but I never watched it.  I only left it on so that I could not hear any noise outside my apartment.  Then September 11 happened and all I do now is watch TV when I am not at work.  On September 11 I said AFRAID into one of my mason jars because I was afraid.  All I watch is The Music Channel.  I can’t stop watching it.  I am obsessed.  I want to know what the celebrities are wearing.  I want to know about celebrities.  I have the word CELEBRITIES in a mason jar in my collection on a shelf in my apartment because I like celebrities.  What do they eat?  What do they drink?  What do they watch?  I want to be skinny.  I have a pot-belly.  I want to be in good shape.  I want a pretty wife. 

              I am afraid of women.

              I was a virgin until last week.  I was a thirty-eight year old virgin.  After I had sex I broke my mason jar that said VIRGIN because I am no longer a virgin.

              I only watch The Music Channel because it is the only station that comes in on my TV, it is very old and in black-and-white.  The Music Channel does not have Music on it.  The Music Channel only talks about celebrities and what they like to do.

              I know I am very sick right now but I will not go to the doctor because I am afraid that he will tell me that I am dying.  I am afraid of dying but I do not want to go to the doctors because I do not want to know that I will die even if I am going to die tomorrow.  I know I am going to die.  I do not want to die but I know that I have to die.  I will die because I am a terrible person.

              I have only one friend in the world that I know of.  Her name is Ida Thora.  She is a nice person.  She is black like me.  She comes over everyday to talk to me because she is my friend and friends talk to each other everyday.  She has a nice smile and likes to laugh.

              I have no idea about what is funny.  I think everything that someone says is serious.  Ida Thora says that there is something called sarcasm and people say something that sounds serious but is supposed to be funny.  I do not understand sarcasm.  I asked some of the guys at work and they said that Ida is right and that I have been missing their jokes for the last twenty-one years.  I do not understand why this is funny.

              I saved Ida Thora’s life two years ago in front of my apartment.  She was almost run over by a Blue-Line bus but I pushed her out of the way.  She said she could not thank me enough for saving her.  She said she would do anything to help me.  I said that I did not know what she could do.  I told her I would think about it.  She came up to my apartment while I tried to think of something she could do.  When she saw my collection of words in mason jars she said she would buy me brand new ones since I had to find them in the garbage before she started buying me new jars.  I was not afraid of Ida.  She was very nice to me.  I am a terrible person.

              Ida was trying to explain sarcasm to me again the other day.  I had her speak SARCASM into a jar so that I would not forget it.  She said that people are not serious all the time.  I asked her to tell me about sarcasm.  She said that someone might say something that they do not mean because they are trying to be cute.  I asked her to give me an example.  She said that she did not want to have sex with me.  I said that I understood and that it was okay because I am afraid of sex.  She told me that she said that because she giving me an example of sarcasm.  That people saying the opposite of what they really mean.  I understood.  She wanted to have sex with me and she said YES!  We had sex on the floor.  It was great.  I am not a virgin anymore.  I am not afraid of sex anymore.  I am not afraid of Ida.  She was a very nice person.  I had her speak SEX into a new mason jar that she gave so that I could add that word into my collection.  I am happy that I finally had SEX in my collection.  I forgot about that word but I finally had it!

              Ida and I talk about lots of things.  I talk about celebrities and what scares me and where I work and my collection of words and September 11.  Ida talks about these things.  Ida also talks about how beautiful she is.  I also talk about how beautiful she is.  I had her speak BEAUTIFUL into a mason jar so that I could add it to my collection.  She talks about being a receptionist for Doctor Johnson five miles from my apartment.  She talks about disease and medicines.  She told me about anthrax.  There was a scare at her office and she told me she might have anthrax.  She laughed about this.  I asked her why she is happy about having anthrax.  She said that I should know by now.  I said I did not understand.  She said that since we have had sex that I have anthrax.  She was laughing.  I said that I understood.  I said ANTHRAX into a mason jar because I have anthrax.

              I killed Ida Thora.  She had anthrax.  She gave me anthrax.  I did not want her to give anyone else anthrax so I killed her.  I strangled her.  I strangled her until her eyes turned red.  She started to yell when I put my hands around her throat.  She started to kick me.  I pushed her against my shelves of mason jars with every important word I know and they fell off the shelves and hit the ground and shattered.  When I was finished strangling Ida I held a mason jar that I had not used and was not broken to her mouth so that I could finally add the word BREATHLESS to my collection.  It is the first word in my new collection since all the other jars are broken and I had to start all over again.  She was mean to me.  I am a terrible person. 

              I did not know what to do with Ida’s breathless body until today.  She has been in my bathtub that does not work covered in ice for the last two days.  I am going to dress her up like beautiful celebrity and throw her in Lake Erie.  I am going to kill myself in Lake Erie.  I am going to dress like a rapper. 

              I am going to Lake Erie now.  It is dark outside.  No one will see me.  Ida is in the trunk of her car waiting for me.  The drive is three miles.  I am going to kill myself so no one else gets anthrax.  I look like a rapper.  I am a terrible person.  I said I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON into one of my mason jars and set it on my shelf.

OMAR G. VONDRUKE

James W. Hritz is a post-undergraduate English student at Kent State University.  He graduated from the University of Akron in 2004 with a BA in Political Science.